What A Wonderful Place It Is
by once-there-was-a-dragon
Summary: I think, quite honestly and with every fibre in my body, bones to blood, that if my past self could see me now they certainly wouldn't recognise me. That, or they would think I was what heaven was. *TW*


**A/N: Greetings, thy is back. However, much too popular belief, not with an update. (Sorry. I know I'm a bad person) To continue on though.. This little random one-shot story is, although maybe a bad idea, it is however my latest attempt at fanfiction writing. (Side note- also my first input into the phandom.) Enjoy!**

 **DISCLAIMER! I don't own either dinof or ap brandings; I don't claim this to be true for either Dan or Phil.**

 **WARNINGS! *TRIGGER WARNING* Dark/depressing themes. Suicidal intention is mentioned. Please don't read if you could be triggered in any way.** ** _Your safety comes first._**

.:What A Wonderful Place It Is:.

I think, quite honestly and with every fibre in my body, bones to blood, that if my past self could see me now they certainly wouldn't recognise me. That, or they would think I was what heaven was.

I wouldn't blame me. How could I when sometimes I wonder if the life I live now is no-more than a dream; a delusion; a hallucination of perfect. How could one, small lost and lonely child even begin to consider that one day they would have photo albums full of smiling faces; laugher lines and wrinkled corners of their eyes; to be so happy just because you feel good.

To have someone so great, so amazing, with all their tiny imperfections; to have someone that makes you want this precious life you were given. How could one believe that I, used to be nobody, fought demons, monsters and the hands of fate, in order to hold in my arms now, that person?

So no. I would not.

I was not always smiles, joy and goodnight cuddles. Nor cookie chief, adventurer, partner in crime, or lover. I wasn't always smiling just because, or laughing because I could. I did not always want to have this life; I didn't want to hold it in my hands for I was too scared it would melt away like butter and scold me to the bone as though to insult an already insulted injury.

I did not want to live. And not because I hated life; it was because all the pain that ate me; tore flesh from a brittle skeleton- trapped a soul in the pits of hell. It was because I could not bare to live with the pain I was consumed with.

I remember those times. And sometimes I can still feel them as a dull ache that cramps my bones. I wish that every entire haunted memory could just be erased; taken and burnt until even the ashes became no-more than the nothingness that they made be believed I was. To be gone and forgotten. But these memories were etched into bones with anger and sorrow that poisoned my mind with pain; and all of this hurt was hidden behind a mask, indistruable for it was carved out of past mistakes and regrets. It was painted with a smile made out blood to stop the uncaring words that were supposed to comfort you. And you did all this because of the words that people spoke to kill you- to destroy you because 'they were only having fun.' Fun.

It was like I was drowning.

And it's almost funny to think about. At one point I got fed up with the spotlight, the loud music and befriending bad people. So I left it. Abandoned for good. Thrown away like a leaf from a tree. I left it to see an ocean; vast, beautiful and peaceful. So beautiful, yet so deadly. But how was I to know? But the thing about a leaf, when it falls from a tree, it never falls far. And I tried to out run it; but you can't run on water. And the ocean began to turn from a luring spectrum of greens to black. Black as a storm. And the waves grew tall knocking me clear of the boat leaving me to swim. To fight in an ever growing war of life and death.

I fought. At first. But I fought for so long and so hard. For so long and so hard that I grew exhausted. And with this exhaustion made it hard to even breathe. You know, regardless of what they say, breathing is hard when you're drowning. You can't gulp water and expect not to suffocate. I became so tired of having to fight; tired of not knowing why I have to fight. Tired of watching everyone be fine while they expected me to continue being fine without even helping.

Oh, and when they do help? It felt like they're screaming from a helicopter, watching me drown, and telling me to keep swimming. And then they would say it's your fault. 'It's your fault that everybody bullies you.' 'It's your fault why no-body like you.' 'It's your fault that you're gay.'

Imagine having cancer then being blamed for it.

Please don't misunderstand; I hated it. I hated it. And what was the nail in the coffin was when it looked like things were getting better; that one person had to bring you down again.

And again.

And again.

And all you needed was just one person, that one person to give you a reason to save yourself. But that's like standing in a desert and hoping for rain.

I guess. I was lucky then.

One day, I saw blue. Briefly, but oh it was beautiful. And very slowly the blue, began staying for longer, and longer until it particularly was the only thing I saw. And it helped me become stronger. With gentle hands it began shaping a person back together from a shadow. They showed me again every beautiful thing, and allowed me to see so much more. This blue was a person with a soul that was so great that they could cause the sun to shine on the dreariest of days.

I began seeing rainbows. But as they say, you can't have a rainbow without a little rain. But even with the rain, I felt like I could live through it. Instead of hiding away, this person made me dance it puddles and sing. Rain became just another day apart from they were so much more; they allowed me to make rainbows, that had colours I didn't even know existed.

Mondays were tired eyes days, wake up cuddles and cereal with too much milk that it was soggy. It was the 'still kinda the weekend' so sofa cinema and popcorn was always a go to.

Tuesdays were the 'let's do stuff' days, trying to wake up early and 'be productive', yet giggling because of how bad we were doing.

Wednesday was adventure time. Shopping trips to weird stalls that sold silly little stuffed animals, to bed shopping: trying out every bed yet never buying any.

Thursday was work. Boring, yes, but night-time cuddles and kisses always happened. They still do.

Friday was pizza. Or some sort of food that meant cooking wasn't to happen. Pizza and anime and staying up until your eyes simply couldn't stay open any more.

Saturday and Sunday were lie-ins, cookie baking, and playing too many video games. Who know were Saturday ended and Sunday began.

I discovered so many things; I became so many things.

And now I'm here.

All thanks to the blue eyed man now sleeping in my arms in the bed we brought, in the house we own. All thanks to Philip Lester.

And what a wonderful place it is.

.:The End:.

 **A/N: Thanking you all for reading! It's very much appreciated! ^-^ Feel free to leave a review! (Reviews=cookies! (::))**

 **~once-there-was-a-dragon x**

 ** _If you are experiencing any thoughts of self-harm or suicidal intention please_** ** _tell someone_** ** _or_** ** _contact your local helpline_** ** _. I've been there. Trust me, getting help won't be something you regret. You are loved. You are wanted. I do care._**

 ** _Stay safe, dream big. xx_**


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